One pregnancy symptom that very few pregnancy books, websites, and blogs talk about is fear. I've always known that Moms worry for the well being and the safety of their children, what I didn't know is that the concern starts almost immediately.
It's a fear that I've never really known before and that I'm just learning how to get a handle on. I have never wanted anything as much as I've wanted this little child growing inside of me. To be completely honest, having my hopes this high is a somewhat terrifying experience. I have never dared to hope for such an amazing miracle before. I have always wanted to be a Mom but a gift of this magnitude is nothing I'd consider actually hoping for in the past.
The other day I was feeling so worried about everything. Will it be healthy? Will it be born in the perfect circumstances? Will it be born at all? For being such an incredible miracle, it sure is shrouded in a lot of mystery and not a lot of guarantee that everything is going to be alright. As I tumbled down the rabbit hole of fear and worry I finally was able to stop myself and get a grip on my emotions. I finally considered the simple truth that as much as this baby is mine, it is primarily His first. So I humbled myself and my need for control and reassurance and I surrendered the little life within me to the One who gave it to me in the first place. As I finished my very first prayer offering this sesame-seed sized baby up to the Lord, I wondered, in my heart, how many times I would have to mutter those very same words over the course of this child's life. (And if there is a way to possibly count to a number that high.)
For now I find comfort in simple things like a busy restaurant. I look around a room and instead of seeing 32 people eating, I see 32 healthy and successful pregnancies. Maybe that's silly but for whatever reason, it's comforting to me! The entire way that I look at the world is beginning to change, and I'd say it's mostly for the better, at this point.
Anyway, I've decided to stop taking my fears to google and to take them to the Father instead. This has proven to be the only way to calm this Momma's heart and the only way to trust that even if everything doesn't work out the way I want it to, it will still work out exactly the way it is meant to.