Monday, January 10, 2011

Thoughts on Marriage: Discovering Myself.

I've been having this feeling, recently.  This feeling that, if given the chance to redo our wedding, there are so many things I would do differently.  To name a few: My hair, my dress, my veil, the wedding DJ (Those of you who attended our wedding I'm sure would agree with me about changing the worst wedding  DJ ever part) I know they are ridiculous thoughts, and when I really think about it, our day was perfect and I wouldn't want to change anything.

But why am I even having these thoughts?  Is it because I dreamt about what my wedding would be like my entire life, and it's a hard habit to break?  Maybe.  Is it because my veil caught on fire when I set it on a candle on the head table when I wanted to start dancing?  No, although that was disappointing (I still have the remains of my veil... I am just that sentimental) I think the real reason stems from the reality that in the last two years, I really feel like I have discovered more of who I really am.  What my likes and dislikes are.  My preferences.  My interests.  My flaws and weak areas.  

 Knowing that I am completely and wholly loved for exactly who I am by Josh and by God has allowed me to discover exactly. who. I. am.   There is such a freedom in being loved completely.   Freedom to try things that interest me.  Like learning to play the violin.  Freedom to wear clothes that I love and feel amazing in.  Like the lovely little vintage number I wore on New Years Eve.  Wearing something like that was a risk!  I felt a little silly, even.  But Josh sure thought I looked great, and he knew how excited I was about the outfit, and his love was enough to make me feel like a 40s bombshell all night.   Or how about my panda hat?  I mean SERIOUSLY people.  I wear that thing everywhere.  It's ridiculous.  But I don't care because Josh thinks I look cute and it's warm and that's really all I need.  Really.  Or how about exposing some of my biggest flaws and mistakes in life to the teens in order to hopefully, somehow, redeem those happenings and prevent the girls I care so much about from making the same errors?  Sure is nice to have the freedom that Christ brings, flaws and all, in moments like that.

So, despite my heightened awareness of who I am causing me to realize a couple of things I think I would have liked to change about our wedding, I don't dwell on those thoughts for very long.  After all, everything about our wedding was an expression of who I was at that moment.  and as I continue growing as a person and discovering new things about myself (the good and the bad), my tastes and the ways I express myself will continue to change and evolve.  The only thing left to do is celebrate and love the person God made me to be in each season of life, and continue on the path of self discovery.


"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.  Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery" Galations 5:1 

3 comments:

  1. I love everything about this post!
    I can totally relate to wanting to change a few things about my wedding...I realized that about two months after being married! Hahaha! And I also just feel sad that the people that were in my life then aren't in my life anymore, and the people that are so important to me now weren't a part of that big day for Ian and me :( And the thing is, I feel like now we are surrounded by people that care about us and back then (a year ago) I felt like everyone at our wedding were my parent's friends or nosey people from the church (since Ian was a pastor there)... So I guess if I could change ONE thing, it would be the guest list! Hahaha! And the bridesmaid dresses! But other than that I guess I could keep everything else :)

    There is such confidence that comes in Christ and even once you're married (at least for me!) and the unconditional love you receive from your husband and God just overwhelms you and you feel so free (as you wrote about) to be whoever you want to be---who you are MEANT to be!

    I know we're new to each other's blogs, but have you read about my series called "Flawnt It"? Here is a link incase you haven't: http://frills4thrills.blogspot.com/2010/12/flawnt-it-dolphin-teeth.html

    I'd love for you to participate and share the blessing of confidence you find in the Lord, your husband, and yourself!

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  2. totally get where you're coming from - i do the same thing from time to time. but i just remind myself that i was making the best decisions i could at that time.

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  3. This was a wonderful post, and I sometimes catch myself thinking, "why did I do that, I wish I could change it...." but you said it perfectly with: "After all, everything about our wedding was an expression of who I was at that moment. and as I continue growing as a person and discovering new things about myself (the good and the bad), my tastes and the ways I express myself will continue to change and evolve." All we can do is focus on who we are in the present moment :)

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