But why am I even having these thoughts? Is it because I dreamt about what my wedding would be like my entire life, and it's a hard habit to break? Maybe. Is it because my veil caught on fire when I set it on a candle on the head table when I wanted to start dancing? No, although that was disappointing (I still have the remains of my veil... I am just that sentimental) I think the real reason stems from the reality that in the last two years, I really feel like I have discovered more of who I really am. What my likes and dislikes are. My preferences. My interests. My flaws and weak areas.
Knowing that I am completely and wholly loved for exactly who I am by Josh and by God has allowed me to discover exactly. who. I. am. There is such a freedom in being loved completely. Freedom to try things that interest me. Like learning to play the violin. Freedom to wear clothes that I love and feel amazing in. Like the lovely little vintage number I wore on New Years Eve. Wearing something like that was a risk! I felt a little silly, even. But Josh sure thought I looked great, and he knew how excited I was about the outfit, and his love was enough to make me feel like a 40s bombshell all night. Or how about my panda hat? I mean SERIOUSLY people. I wear that thing everywhere. It's ridiculous. But I don't care because Josh thinks I look cute and it's warm and that's really all I need. Really. Or how about exposing some of my biggest flaws and mistakes in life to the teens in order to hopefully, somehow, redeem those happenings and prevent the girls I care so much about from making the same errors? Sure is nice to have the freedom that Christ brings, flaws and all, in moments like that.
So, despite my heightened awareness of who I am causing me to realize a couple of things I think I would have liked to change about our wedding, I don't dwell on those thoughts for very long. After all, everything about our wedding was an expression of who I was at that moment. and as I continue growing as a person and discovering new things about myself (the good and the bad), my tastes and the ways I express myself will continue to change and evolve. The only thing left to do is celebrate and love the person God made me to be in each season of life, and continue on the path of self discovery.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yolk of slavery" Galations 5:1